I'm turning 29!!!
And I have 29 things I want for my birthday. HA.
Well, my birthday is still more than a week away, so I guess that's enough time for you and me to empty our bank accounts and buy everything on my wish list. Heh.
A Love Letter
I hate you for taking this long to finally realize what you need to do. I hate your lies and your pretensions, for toying with my emotions and playing tricks with my mind. I hate you for not being man enough to take control of your life and your family. I hate that you've let your dependence and attachment to people you've known only for a little while ruin our more than 10-year relationship. I hate your immaturity, your cowardliness and your insecurities.
I am hurt that the last ten years seem to mean nothing to you. I feel unspecial, used, taken for granted. I am hurt that my love isn't enough, that my love and your daughter's love aren't enough. I have made you so unhappy, we've made each other so unhappy. I am devastated that our love, our marriage, has come to this. I am heartbroken knowing that I've lost my husband. I've been missing you for the longest time, and I will miss you now more than ever.
I am scared of the next few days, weeks and months. I am scared of the coming nights, crying myself to sleep, missing your body next to mine while I go to sleep. Sleeping next to you has been my only comfort for almost eight years. I am scared of the days when I won't be able to stop thinking about you, and I won't be able to function. You have been my life, and I never expected that you will not be in it anymore. I am scared I will show weakness and come running back to you and humiliate myself. I fear I might not be able to take care of our daughter by myself. I'm scared of her questions, and I'm scared my answers will not satisfy her. I'm scared of the changes we have to go through, of how this will affect her. I am scared of being alone, when all I've ever known is to be with you.
I am so sorry for everything I have ever said and done to get a reaction out of you. I'm sorry for threatening to leave so many times and not going through with it. I'm sorry for unconsciously using our daughter as leverage. I am sorry for the unconscious demand and pressure to love me the way I love you. I am so sorry if your love isn't enough. I am so sorry for not trusting you, and for your need to lie to me. I am so sorry for making you unhappy, when all I've ever wanted was to make you happy.
I am hurt that the last ten years seem to mean nothing to you. I feel unspecial, used, taken for granted. I am hurt that my love isn't enough, that my love and your daughter's love aren't enough. I have made you so unhappy, we've made each other so unhappy. I am devastated that our love, our marriage, has come to this. I am heartbroken knowing that I've lost my husband. I've been missing you for the longest time, and I will miss you now more than ever.
I am scared of the next few days, weeks and months. I am scared of the coming nights, crying myself to sleep, missing your body next to mine while I go to sleep. Sleeping next to you has been my only comfort for almost eight years. I am scared of the days when I won't be able to stop thinking about you, and I won't be able to function. You have been my life, and I never expected that you will not be in it anymore. I am scared I will show weakness and come running back to you and humiliate myself. I fear I might not be able to take care of our daughter by myself. I'm scared of her questions, and I'm scared my answers will not satisfy her. I'm scared of the changes we have to go through, of how this will affect her. I am scared of being alone, when all I've ever known is to be with you.
I am so sorry for everything I have ever said and done to get a reaction out of you. I'm sorry for threatening to leave so many times and not going through with it. I'm sorry for unconsciously using our daughter as leverage. I am sorry for the unconscious demand and pressure to love me the way I love you. I am so sorry if your love isn't enough. I am so sorry for not trusting you, and for your need to lie to me. I am so sorry for making you unhappy, when all I've ever wanted was to make you happy.
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