Before, when D would do something hurtful to me, I held on to the fact that he married me. And I would pass off the lies and cheating as something he had to go through as a man. That eventually, he'd snap out of it, and go back to the person I (thought I) married. I believed (and wished?) with all my being that he loved me.
Even though I knew deep in my heart that the hurt he made me go through was inexplicable if he really loved me.
Now, knowing for a fact that he DIDN'T love me, everything fell into place. Every hurtful thing he did to me was inescapable proof of the fact that he didn't love me. And I could finally stop blaming myself for the way he treated me. It wasn't me -- wasn't me who was at fault, wasn't me he loved, wasn't me who can do anything about it. It was the biggest "Eureka!" moment of my life.
However, with that, every "I love you", every sweet gesture, each and every shared experience became meaningless.
The inexplicable actions became proof, while the "truth" I held onto became worthless.
Although it soothes my soul to know that I couldn't have done anything to make him love me, it breaks my heart that all the good memories I had with him (and we did have some of those) became lies.
I gained understanding, and with that, lost years of my life to nothing.
In which I count my chickens before they are hatched
Payday on Friday has a little extra something so I'm planning to blow it on:
Of Dreams, and Fantasies
and falling back to earth.
---
There was a time I dreamt that D got murdered right in front of me. This was the time we were 'separated', or well, as separated as you can get sleeping in two different rooms. I woke up sobbing, with my heart in so much pain. It felt so real; I thought I will never see my husband again.
The next night, I slept in his room, beside him.
A few months after, we separated for good. I never did see my husband again.
---
So here's this boy, who I really like. I was, let's just say, interested in him already even before D and I broke up. But that was as far as it went. Well, as far as I would admit to myself then.
And then, I dreamt about him.
I guess I was far more interested than I thought I was.
---
They say "May you get what you wish for" is an ancient Chinese curse.
Does that curse cover dreams too?
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