Fear

Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid


Because of You, Kelly Clarkson

---

"Bakit ka ba iyak ng iyak? Araw-araw na lang umiiyak ka. 'Di ka na ba titigil sa kakaiyak mo? Ano bang problema?"

A few weeks has passed.

I'm done with crying, but the fear is still there.

I was scared. Anxiety filled me. I felt mild panic.

It was like everything depended on me -- my choices laid out in front of me, with their consequences laid out in complicated lines. Isang pagkakamali, matinding pagsisisi.

And though I've done with crying, the fear is still there. Although we've talked about it hundreds of times, I am not consoled. Although I've seen them, there is a nagging feeling of insecurity.

But I'm making a choice -- I'm extending his leash, loosening my grip, letting him run free.

It is so damn hard. All I want to do right now is reel him in and put him back in his cage.

Please, let me get over this. [You'll know I'm over it if I stop linking to my damn Peyups article]

I do want to trust him again.

But like I whispered to him last night, while he held me, "I'm just so scared".

5 comments

  1. hi yosi girl. i just read your peyups article. grabe! such love! i don't think i can do what you did. i have a very close friend who put up with sh*t from her bf for many years. she gave the guy power over her - power to hurt her and make her feel bad about herself. if your relationship is going nowhere and you can't seem to shake the fear, maybe you really have to think about leaving for good. i know this is unsolicited advice, but i just feel for you because i remember my friend all over again - and so many other girl friends who put up with their asshole boyfriends. besides, hindi naman unfounded yung fear mo. it's just so hard to trust again if you've been hurt big time. i just hope things will work out for you. just remember to love yourself first.

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  2. @tintin

    if your relationship is going nowhere and you can't seem to shake the fear, maybe you really have to think about leaving for good.

    i did marry him right? :) so i don't think our relationship is going nowhere -- i still believe that love WILL conquer all, kahit na gaano ka-corny yang cliche na yan.

    and we got back together knowing the hardships that we'll face -- him trying to prove himself worthy of my trust and love, and me trying to prove to myself that i am worthy of his love. even though things were so confusing then, and everything was just one big mess, there was the blind acceptance and vague understanding of what we will go through.

    sometimes i may not see it, or i just refuse to see it (out of fear), or i'm just a bitch, but this man loves me, in his own unique way -- and i've learned to accept that ;)

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  3. Anonymous1:14 PM

    hi! just read your peyups post and your other entries here. wow, you've been through quite a lot but i don't want to say i'm sorry about what happened to you because it would sound empty specially that we really don't know each other and i've been in an experience where i got into an affair, me being the married woman. that's all over now though and i'm only glad that my husband has found it in him to forgive me and to once more trust me. how? he turned to God, he surrendered his concerns to God, he lifted up his anger and pain to God. and i think that's what you should do too. only God can really heal you and allow you to move on. as for me, i am trying to move on too, i'm doing my best to show my husband that i am trustworthy, that what i did was one mistake that i would never want to happen again because i wouldn't want to ruin what we have. apart from this, a lot of people told us to never go back to the past again, to never raise an old issue from the past in a present fight because digging up old issues will never help. doing this helps both of you to heal and finally forget the past, specially if as you say you just want to get over it.

    here's a link which i hope will help...http://www.gregswensonphd.com/infidelity.htm#7

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  4. Anonymous1:20 PM

    just want to add too that the fact that you married him now says that you made a conscious commitment to him to love him and part of this commitment is to totally forgive him and the girl (the fact that you still bring it up says that you haven't totally forgiven), to let go of the past and start anew. i know it's easier said than done, but i can say it is possible to do it because i've been through it.

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  5. @anonymous

    thanks for your words of wisdom. and for the link. :)

    i feel like i've been "healing" for the longest time ever, but i think i've improved a lot over the past 5 years.

    sometimes there are just little kinks here and there, and something's triggered in my brain, which makes me remember the past.

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