Um, weird

Coming from work, I dropped by the small grocery near our subdivision to buy something for my never-ending quest to drop a few pounds.

[Actually, the quest will end this Sunday, after my sister's wedding, and the quest is to shed a LOT of pounds. So yeah. Good luck right?]

I went inside the grocery, with my earphones blasting music, heading straight to the Coffee/Tea aisle.

[Yes, I was going to buy those herbal teas that make you go poo-poo. I was am desperate! I only have 6 days to go!]

But then I noticed the long lines at the cashiers -- meh. Herbal tea-drinking will have to start the next day then.

So I turned around, heading back to the door, when I heard some guy [faintly, I must say, since I was wearing my earphones] call my name.

"Shell. Shell. Shell!"

There was only one guy who can possibly be at the same grocery, and calling me by that name.

I turned to look where my name was coming from, and it was, of course D.

Here comes the weird part.

"Uy!"

And then a weird half-hi/half-bye wave. From both of us. And then a millisecond pause.

Then I took a step towards the exit with "Ang haba ng pila eh." And then another weird millisecond and then off I go.

---

I spent almost 11 years with this guy, and what, we're reduced to that kind of interaction?

Although, there was really nothing to talk about anyways.

But gaaah. Why so awkward? [I may have been the only one who felt awkward though. I think it would be impossible for D to feel akward at all.]

I mean, that "encounter" with D felt so awkward compared to a chance encounter with a college acquaintance [who works in the same compound as I do, who I avoid because he greeted me with a snarky "ang LAKI ng pinagbago mo ah" around 2 years ago -- yes, i hold my grudges. Dearly] this same day -- I had a friendlier, more easy-going response when he called my attention as I was walking towards the center gate [I returned his "ang LAKI ng pinagbago mo" comment at him because he did got erm rounder].

I guess the weirdness and awkwardness felt overblown because it got compared to that encounter with the college acquaintance.

Again, I'm going to say it, but it's WEIRD how life works -- you spend a decade of your life with someone, and then, it's just a series of awkward hi's and hello's in the end.

IDK, TBH, DNW. But then, well, that's the way life goes. *shrugs*

ipagpatuloy ang kuwento...

Blink and You'll Miss Us

ipagpatuloy ang kuwento...

Just when I thought...

There were times you were excruciatingly annoying.

Or being such an asshole.

Or a jerk.

Or just plain oblivious to my feelings, our past, and my existence.

All the while with me trying to re-engineer my life without you. Trying to undo the (bad) changes you made me go through. Trying to reset the matrix of my existence, to find the "me" that I lost when I was with you, to rebuild myself without you as my cornerstone and my foundation.

Then, you asked:

Ano nga pala yung pasta na lagi nating ino-order natin dito?

Although I was wistful for a moment, remembering that one time we "celebrated" an anniversary there, and all those other times we just gorged on pizza and pasta in that place...

I see your new watch.

The times we spent there were a lifetime ago.

You were mine then, and I was yours.

And now, the watch you wear is not that one I gave you.

Because you're no longer mine.

And, I'm no longer yours.

It was bittersweet nostalgia.

Nothing less.

And nothing more.

:)

ipagpatuloy ang kuwento...

Kradam Bromance

*SQUEEEEEEEEEE*

This day has just been full of heart-squeezing squee.

The man-hug that went forever.


Oh my... what a bromantic look at each other *_*


Adam looking NOT pissed that Kris won, and that adorable surprised look on Kris' face <3


*squeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

BFFs <3<3<3

ipagpatuloy ang kuwento...

On Who Should Win AI

From here:

On Adam:

I want him to win because he’s fearless as an artist and has never stooped or pandered or played it safe. I want him to win because the only thing predictable about him is that he isn’t going to do anything predictable. I want him to win because he is so unaccountably himself. I want him to win because being himself obviously hasn’t always been easy for him, because he’s had to struggle and question and discover the person he wants to be. I want him to win because, despite that struggle, he is so clearly as kind, gentle, and big-hearted of a person as you could ever hope to meet. I want him to win because I think he’s ready for America and I think America is ready for him. I want him to win because he wants it.

On Kris:

I want Kris to win because he’s gotten this far on his own, with no backing from producers, no pimping from the judges, nothing but his own ability propelling him through each week. I want him to win because he’s the type of artist I’ve been waiting for ages to hear on Idol, the type that’s only just started being represented in the last couple of seasons, with a voice that’s not about big notes or showy runs, but that’s about nuance and emotion and phrasing. I want him to win because he actually made me like She Works Hard for the Money. I want him to win because when he really needed to, he went out there and KILLED Heartless simply by being himself and made everyone sit up and pay attention. I want him to win because he seems every bit as kind and gentle and big-hearted as Adam is. I want him to win because he is never quite what anyone expects in delightful and wonderful ways. I want him to win because he breaks my heart in the best possible ways too.

I effing second the motion!

They’re completely different people, completely different end results, but it’s the same underlying philosophy. And I love that we get to see that play out in the finals. I love that they bring totally different types of credibility to Idol. I love that they’re going to drive each other to be the best they can be. I hope this finale is epic. I hope it’s the closest finale yet.

Oh hell yeah.

I cannot wait for the man-hugs tomorrow!!!

ipagpatuloy ang kuwento...

The Case for Kris

I'm coming out of my blogging hiatus.

For Kris Allen.

How can you not vote for this?

Or this?

At kamusta naman ang bromance with Adam?

Argh. So adorable.

Once more, with feeling:

I love it that both Adam and Kris made it to the finals. If I could vote on Wednesday morning, I'd vote for both.

But if I only had one call to make, I'd make the call to Kris' number :)

Want more reasons to vote for Kris? Here's 25 reasons.

Here's a site devoted to Kris. They have instructions on how to do power voting for Kris, even if you're not in the US!

And to remind you what Kris is all about, it's taking a song, and then he rearranges it, reengineers it, reboots it (wala lang, uso yang word na yan ngayon because of the Star Trek movie heh) and then POW, he makes it his own. That's why I'm ending this post with Heartless -- it's the heart and soul of what Kris has been doing all season long in Idol.

Dancing Kris Allen GIFS from here.
Bromance images from here.

ipagpatuloy ang kuwento...

Daughters

I learned from my sister (who works in the same office as I do) that our dad was going to accompany her to the DFA, and that he was already waiting in a McDonald's right across our office.

Me: Pabili tayo ng McDo!

Youngie: Eh ako nga pupunta sa McDo.

M: Hay nako, magtetext ako, pupunta yon.

Y: Ikaw, sige.

M: *thinks* Malakas naman ako kay Daddy eh.

Y: Oo nga.

M: *evil smile* Ampon ka kasi eh! Hahahahah.

Y: GAGI!

[She used to be the bunso kasi, for 10 years. So we (my other sister and I) usually made her asar and made her cry when we were kids, saying she's not our real sister. Heh, I know, we're bad.]

So I sent Dad a text message.

Dadox, you're in McDo na daw? Can you buy me a quarter pounder meal go big time? Then sunduin niyo na lang si Young dito sa office!

His reply, after a few minutes:

I'll be there in 20 minutes. May delivery charge ha!

---

D came over two nights ago to visit Darice. While Darice was getting something to show it to D, she started to absent-mindedly sing a song.

I almost choked trying to suppress my laugh.

"Bakit?" D asked, confused.

"Naririnig mo ba kinakanta ni Darice?"

"Ha? Hindi, ano ba yon?"

So I turned to Darice. "Darice, sing louder for Papa"

And so, Darice sang, with feelings:

Womanizer, woman-womanizer,
You're a womanizer
Oh womanizer, oh you're a womanizer,
You you-you are, you you-you are
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer (womanizer)

I swear, I did not teach her that song!

---

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

ipagpatuloy ang kuwento...

25 Things

1. I average one quarter-pounder meal with go-big-time a week. Gawd. But there are times I don't eat breakfast and that's when I go for my quarter-pounder meal at lunch.

2. I drink a cup of coffee in the wee hours of the morning, while having breakfast with Darice, then another cup first thing when I get to work, then another cup during 3pm break. There are days when I grab a coffee during lunch time too, then another one after a drinking session at night. Yes, nakakatulog pa rin naman ako sa gabi :P

3. I consume around 3/4 of a pack of yosi everyday. Yikes. The 1/4 is consumed by my yosi buddy. Hee.

4. I'm not much of a beer drinker. It makes me terribly burpy and sleepy! Two bottles and I'm yawning.

5. So I go for the cocktails and hard drinks. No hangover!

6. When I'm with my high school girl friends, I'm the least kikay. When I'm with my office girl friends, I'm the one who's pinaka-kikay! Hahahaha. Although with my college girl friends, same level ang ka-kikay-an namin. Heh.

7. I weigh 160 pounds! Egad! I know, I'm obese already (as in officially na). I weigh the same as when I had Darice during my third trimester already. Grabeh.

8. Although, I'm not really conscious or insecure about my body. Eh sa mataba ako, bakit ba?!?

9. Eh kasi, I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE MY DECOLLATAGE! Ahahahaha. You cannot mess with the power of cleavage. Hahahaha.

10. Although, I will do anything to lose weight -- except exercise. Sry, I'm so tamad talaga. And I don't want to make the effort to lug around a bag of athletic stuff pa sa office. Although, tell me to take a pill or whatever because it made someone lose weight and I'll do it. Although of course, money is a big factor -- I haven't tried Reductil yet because it costs an arm and a leg [well, for a single mother's income ha] for a month's supply.

11. I was a nerd in high school -- kaya siguro when I'm with my high school friends, I feel I'm the least kikay. Bumabalik ang pagka-nerdox (Math A :P) ko. Wahahaha.

12. But it took me 6 1/2 years to finish my 5-year course. Hey, at least I graduated diba?

13. Also, I'm proud to say I never repeated any Math subject when I was in college. One take lang lahat ng Math ko :D

14. It's weird that I work mainly as a programmer currently, but when I took my first ever programming subject in college, I failed :(

15. And I failed several engineering subjects several times too, and the most memorable is CoE 115, which I took three times -- first, I dropped out, then I failed, then thank God for my partner, the third time I finally passed!

16. I am obsessed with LoVe -- the love team (love team?!? parang Pinoy love team?!?) that made me believe in epic love. I cannot get enough of the show Veronica Mars, and I can watch that show over and over again! Aaaah, I cannot effing wait for the movie!

17. I'm not sanay not being in a relationship, since I've been in a relationship since 1996. For almost two years, I had a relationship with a girl, and then D and I became a couple. Yes, they overlapped -- but only for one day, hee. Basically I don't know how to be single AND available.

18. I love to shop -- for clothes, for shoes, for gadgets. But I make sure I only spend my OWN money [as in yung sobra-sobra yung ginastos mo na pera mo, para sa ibang tao pa, pero di na makakabayad ng share mo ng bills kaya ibang tao na yung sasalo sa bills mo -- kapal diba? Bitter ocampo I know, pero ang kapal kasi eh!], and not to use my credit cards, erm, too much. And I will only buy something if it was worth it, and if I feel na meant to be yung purchase (they have my size, isa na lang stock, purple o kaya black, naka-sale, puedeng 0% for 12 months, hehehehe)

19. I'm a frustrated writer. I was part of our high school newspaper during my third and fourth year in high school, but I only got one story published, as I mostly did edits. I wrote a few short (love) stories, handwritten and using WordStar (san ka pa?!?), during that time. I wanted to take up creative writing or journalism in college, but I was scared I might get writer's block. I joined (and was accepted!) Collegian during my second year in college, but I unjoined because my Mom couldn't handle the one and only late night I spent in Vinzon's for an article. I guess that's why I blog, to have an outlet for my written musings.

20. I'm creative. Srsly. [Diba, friends? :P] Minsan nauubusan lang talaga ng creative juices. Or ng time. Or ng effort. I have so many projects planned in my head right now -- reconstructing clothes, decorating the house, overhauling the blog's design, but I just can't find the inspiration to start at least one of them.

21. I read sex blogs. I even subscribe to feeds of my favorite blogs -- well-written ones that are not purely about animalistic fucking, or cheesy lovemaking, as in every touch or sound or move is described perfectly. Helpful ang sex blogs lalo na when written by a man -- you get attuned to what a man wants during sex, and can spice up your sex life. Ha.

22. But for instant gratification, I watch porn. Nyahahaha. Online or through downloads. [Y'know the open party scandal, where a group called Stoya was involved in? Hee, I knew Stoya as a porn star as I have watched videos of her online already, and was not surprised a group of boys throwing a party called Lust will call themselves Stoya :P] Again helpful because you get an idea as to what a guy wants during sex. [Is it just the big boobs or loud women? No. Srsly.]

23. I am tigang. Enough said :P

24. I'm not giving up on love, even though love has me jaded and cynical right now. Mas tumaas lang ang expectations ko siguro. I guess I am now a realistic romantic.

25. Honestly, I miss D. I don't know if I miss him as in him talaga or just the illusion of the man I wanted him to be. Because now that I know the truth about his kabits [take note, hindi alleged, and plural ha, they were all true kabits!] (25.a. Oh how I hate kabits! Sorry, I'll judge you talaga if pumayag ka maging kabit), totally nawasak na yung illusion eh. Parang I see him na lang as this lost human being, na I don't know if I'll pity him, or tirisin siya sa galit, or just shake him by the shoulders and say "Ba't ka nagkaganyan?!?" So yeah, I guess I miss D, the D I knew ten years ago, and the D who I thought I loved.

ipagpatuloy ang kuwento...

Birthday Wishlist, Huzzah!

I'm turning 29!!!

Source

And I have 29 things I want for my birthday. HA.

Well, my birthday is still more than a week away, so I guess that's enough time for you and me to empty our bank accounts and buy everything on my wish list. Heh.

7 THINGS I WANT TO BUY FOR MYSELF

See, I'm not really expecting that you buy me everything. Hahaha.

1. 32GB Ipod Touch

Sold my 16GB Ipod Touch last year as I have to pay off some overdue bills [indirectly caused by D kakainez!].

And I so miss my tunes already -- during commute and at work. And my Veronica Mars!

2. Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II

Source

I want to use some other lens aside from my kit lens, and I think this is the cheapest option for now. And I've seen photos taken by this kind of lens, and I was inggit. Hehehe.

3. Canon IXUS 980IS

Source

The Olympus camera has conked out :( So I want another point-and-shoot that I can bring along everyday :) [That is, won't hog too much space inside my office bag, or make me develop my muscles with its weight. Heh.] This has manual controls too so I can go artsy-fartsy when the need arises.

4. a new phone

The phone I'm using right now was given by D during our anniversary last year. Yeah, I know right, better for me to get rid of it.

I'm thinking either the Nokia e71 (but it's kind of an old model already) or the Nokia 5800.

5. external portable hard drive

It doesn't really have to be portable. I just need enough space so that I can get my files from the PC, and can accommodate one more season of my favorite shows. So I'm thinking of buying 1TB :) Although my budget will settle for 500GB. Heh.

6. shoes!

Source and Source

Fierce davah!!! I already saw the second one in Aldo Galleria. And I saw a look-alike of the first one at CMG [which is of course way cheaper, I bet]. I just have to decide which one to buy ;)

7. An out-of-town trip by myself

I would like to do this in Cebu. I've been to Cebu three times already (IKR?!?) so it won't be that scary an experience -- as I think I'm kind of familiar with the city already. I'd like to stay at Shangri-La's Mactan Island Resort -- so I can be a bit shushal :D

7 THINGS I WANT TO SAVE UP FOR

Not in any order. As if I'll go first for the designer bag than the house, right? Although I might go for the laptop and flash first. Hahahah.

1. A designer bag

Source and Source

Well, it doesn't have to be LV, but I LVoe these two designs. The Speedy is black and simple. While the Neo Cabby is in denim, and in black, san ka pa diba? I like black bags better because I don't think brown [the classic LV color] is bagay with me.

2. A new laptop

I need more space, more speed and more power. It doesn't have to be itty-bitty. I think I want a MacBook, but I might just be wanting it for the geeky-cool factor. Heh.

Darice will get this old one of course. So that she can have all the time in the world to watch her weird YouTube videos. [Dun worry, I do PG naman]

3. Canon EF 24-105mm f/4 L IS USM

Source

A friend told me that if I'm going to invest in new lens, that I should get this. Methinks, if I'm going to get this, I won't use any other lens anymore -- because I'll be too poor to buy new lens already by then! Hahahaha.

4. Canon Speedlite 430EX II Flash

Source

I actually do not have a basis for this. Basta gusto ko lang ng flash, sometime in the future, but not really necessary right now. But I want pa rin.

5. My own house!

With the things happening in my life right now, I think this should be my next big step. The new logistical arrangements are just temporary, and I don't want to live my whole life just renting space diba?! Kinda money down the drain yun, methinks.

6. My own car with driver!

And I will not commute forever! Hahahah.

I'll buy a car only when I can afford a driver already. Hahahahah!

[Had a really really really bad experience driving which just proved I am too taranta-da to drive.]

7. Trip to US or Europe

Shet. I can only die when I've visited US and Europe. So really, win-win situation, because I don't wanna die yet, or anytime in the near future, so I have the whole of my life to save up for this trip. Heh.

THINGS I'VE BEEN DYING TO HAVE LIKE SINCE FOREVAH

These are things that I've been meaning to buy but can't because of either my budget then, or by circumstance (out-of-stock, order online only, etc). But, good things come to those who wait ;)

1. Holga filter set

Source

Borrowed from a friend, used it on my dSLR, and I was hooked! See pictures here!

2. Holga 35mm adapter

Source

I would like to take lomo photos with the sprockets :D And 35mm slide films are more available than 120mm, and I wanna try slide film naman so I can cross-process and get really astig colors :D

3. A purple/black laptop bag that doesn't look like a laptop bag

I've seen so many laptop bags already that fit the above description, but I always always always do not have the budget at that time to buy one! Argh.

There are stylish ones I saw at Digital Walker, and one store in Boni High Street (forgot the name), and they cost almost 3k++. Eh onti na lang Crumpler na yon eh! :P

4. Veronica Mars Season 1 - 3 Original DVDs

Source

So that I can curl up in bed, with a batch of snickerdoodles and hot choco, while I watch the best. damn. show. ever on a big-ass TV (the TV can wait, hence, not here on the wishlist :P)

5. Neptune Noir: Unauthorized Investigations into Veronica Mars

Source

So curious about the essays here. Of course, not to be found in any bookstore here in the Philippines, hahahah.

6. Any Christopher Pike book

What? At least I'm not into R.L Stine.

Yeah actually, I have almost all his books already, hee. But I still don't have some of the earlier ones (Final Friends series for example), and also some of his more adult books (like Sati).

7. my own domain and web server

THANK YOU TY AND TRACY FOR THE GODADDY GIFT CARD! MWAH!

I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't just sign up right now as in now na for a domain. I only want one domain (as of now) and I'm pretty sure you know what I want, so please, either buy it for me, or fucking hands off that domain. Kthxbai.

I WANT I WANT I WANT NAO NA!

No, I can't wait. I must have these NOW.

1. Eraserheads Reunion Concert DVD

OMFG. THANK YOU GIRLS! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! SALAMAT SA PAGSAMA SAKIN SA PAGSALUBONG NG AKING KAARAWAN! MWAAAAAAAAAH.

OMFG. To be released on my birthday to boot! Happy birthday to me talaga!!!! Aylabyu Ely!!!! :DDDDD

2. A ticket for the Eraserheads Reunion Concert: The Final Set

Gold section please!!! And let's be there like by 9am. Hahahaha.

3. We All Have Excess Baggage bag by Kenneth Cole

Source

Ahlavet.

Eco + wit = WIN.

4. SUPERPROXY shirt from Francis Magalona's store

THANK YOU TO MY PROJECT MATES!!! AHLAVET!!! KULANG NA LANG TICKET SA CONCERT!!!

So I can wear it during the Eraserheads concert, FTMFW diba?!?

5. Astounding Magnetic Rope

Source

I want to fill up one wall in any room with photos and I think these are an ASTOUNDING way to do it. Watchutink?

6. will plurk for karma T-shirt

Source

Yeah, a not so obvious way to show the world I'm addicted to Plurk. Heh.

I wish they'd make other Plurk shirts though.

7. Veronica Mars movie!!!

Please please please please please let it happen please please.

SUNTOK-SA-BUWAN WISH

1. One last date with D.

Coffee and cake in the afternoon, then a movie. Late dinner then drinking and dancing. Then lots of sexy time. Hee.

Er, never mind. Kelangan ko pang sumuntok sa buwan? Effort pa ako, eh birthday ko na nga diba? :P

I don't want to be with a person on my very special day who doesn't want never really wanted to be with me. He doesn't deserve my company and my attention. Oh and my excellent dancing and sexual skills. HA!

And so, ALL I WANT FOR MY BIRTHDAY IS:

1. To be with my family and friends, who have done nothing but truly love and care for me all these years.

And I end this very loooooooooooong wish list with this, because I know, you all will be able to fulfill my #1 birthday wish:

THANK YOU :-*

ipagpatuloy ang kuwento...

A Love Letter

I hate you for taking this long to finally realize what you need to do. I hate your lies and your pretensions, for toying with my emotions and playing tricks with my mind. I hate you for not being man enough to take control of your life and your family. I hate that you've let your dependence and attachment to people you've known only for a little while ruin our more than 10-year relationship. I hate your immaturity, your cowardliness and your insecurities.

I am hurt that the last ten years seem to mean nothing to you. I feel unspecial, used, taken for granted. I am hurt that my love isn't enough, that my love and your daughter's love aren't enough. I have made you so unhappy, we've made each other so unhappy. I am devastated that our love, our marriage, has come to this. I am heartbroken knowing that I've lost my husband. I've been missing you for the longest time, and I will miss you now more than ever.

I am scared of the next few days, weeks and months. I am scared of the coming nights, crying myself to sleep, missing your body next to mine while I go to sleep. Sleeping next to you has been my only comfort for almost eight years. I am scared of the days when I won't be able to stop thinking about you, and I won't be able to function. You have been my life, and I never expected that you will not be in it anymore. I am scared I will show weakness and come running back to you and humiliate myself. I fear I might not be able to take care of our daughter by myself. I'm scared of her questions, and I'm scared my answers will not satisfy her. I'm scared of the changes we have to go through, of how this will affect her. I am scared of being alone, when all I've ever known is to be with you.

I am so sorry for everything I have ever said and done to get a reaction out of you. I'm sorry for threatening to leave so many times and not going through with it. I'm sorry for unconsciously using our daughter as leverage. I am sorry for the unconscious demand and pressure to love me the way I love you. I am so sorry if your love isn't enough. I am so sorry for not trusting you, and for your need to lie to me. I am so sorry for making you unhappy, when all I've ever wanted was to make you happy.

Thank you for noticing how the past few years have been affecting me, and finally acknowledging our unhappiness together. Thank you for finally initiating this course of action, for finally deciding with me that it needs to be done, even though it took you so damn long.

Thank you for the past 10 years, 4 months and 25 days. Thank you for falling in love with me and loving me. Thank you for your best efforts in trying to love me even though you've fallen out of love. Thank you for taking care of me and our daughter in your own special way.

I have no idea how to stop loving you, to get over you, and to let you go. This will be harder for me, as you've had half your body out the door already, while I'm still trying to figure out how to open the door.

I love you so much, Dar. I have always loved you. I have always been in love with you, pining for you, missing you, wanting to be with you, do things with you, spend time with you. I have always imagined growing old with you, my husband, the love of my life. I want you in my life, and I need you in my life. That's why I have always chosen you.

And I thank you for showing me that I have to choose myself now, just as you've chosen yourself.

We both deserve to be happy. I guess, not just together.

---

We have decided to separate [operative word: we! yay :D] although logistical details are not yet final. So as of this writing, we are still under one roof, therefore, status quo pa rin.

I am fervently praying and hoping that by the 31st, we already have a concrete plan of attack. Para slightly mas masaya ang birthday ko :)

It is one hell of a way to start out the year, I know. But don't worry, as much as I'm heartbroken to the nth degree right now, I am sooo relieved. Finally :)

ipagpatuloy ang kuwento...