Finally

"Wala akong balak gawin"

I told you that tonight will not end without ending the situation at hand.

And with those words, there is no more situation.

There is just you.

And me.

Although, no more us, I guess.

I just wanted you to understand what I wanted from you.

I didn't want us to be an obligation. I wanted you to go beyond your obligations, your responsibilities.

And just want to be WITH us.

And being with us is not just being in the same house.

And being with us is also not just doing the same things together.

And being with us is also not spending time with your friends anymore.

It's wanting to be with us, because you choose us -- you choose us to be the first in your life.

And you really have to choose who will come first.

You really can't do EVERYTHING that you want to do, now that you're a husband and a father. Although you said you can still do everything even though you already have a wife and a daughter -- but at whose expense?

Isn't it at our expense?

Who gets hurt? Who gets taken for granted? Who gets lied to? Who is bothered that we're moving in two different worlds already? Who cares about spending time together, not just seeing each other?

Being a husband and a father is not just about obligations and responsibilities.

It's choosing us, because you want us. Not because you have to choose us.

And no, it's also not about accomplishing a list of things that you have to do written down for you. And then doing only those "feasible" for you.

We're not tasks. Loving us is not a to-do list.

It really has to come from you this time. I cannot teach you everything, I cannot make you just do the things I want you to do.

Wala ka ba talagang gustong gawin, or balak gawin, for our sake?

"Wala akong balak gawin"

Finally.

Eventhough it hurts like a bitch, I am strangely relieved.

Without any more hope or agenda.

Without any more expectations.

Finally.

---

P.S. I've missed you so so so much. And I'm going to miss you now more than ever.

11 comments

  1. so i'm confused :D. are you or are you not going to leave his ass?

    i hope you leave him. lea salonga said something along these lines: is his d!ck made of gold?

    the world is big!

    ...you can find bigger!

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  2. O.M.G. Finally! I mean, honestly, at least may closure na from him and you can now move on. In my own experience, it's much difficult to be in "limbo" knowing deep inside na parang wala na for him. Parang mas mabigat when in "limbo" (should i move on or wait another day/weeks/months for him) than when you know kung saan na patutungo ang relationship. Ay ewan, madrama nga!

    Well, Jen's right! Madami pang iba dyan! (madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin!)

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  3. is this a big sigh of relief or regret?

    but from the looks of it, at least after all the questions, finally may answer na. tama nga naman si jen, marami pa dyan who are willing to give you what you deserve.

    at least alam na natin na wala talaga siyang balak gawin. his loss not yours.

    hinga ng malalim. kape at yosi muna tayo =)

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  4. jen sa ibang blog post ko na yan sasagutin. suspense! ahahaha.

    mEldita oo yun yung ayoko na "in limbo" kasi di ko alam kung ano na ba talaga!

    haze hmmm... regret? di ko naman naisip na regret. well, painful, pero relief talaga. :)

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  5. *waits patiently for the next entry* you'll be fine, sis. just hang in there.

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  6. nette7:27 AM

    stay strong... you're always in my prayers.

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  7. *HUG*

    surrounded with good friends ka naman.. you're going to be alright. :)

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  8. pao matagal-tagal ka pa maghihintay for an entry wehehehe.

    nette thank you! :)

    jimelle *hug back*

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  9. i haven't read any of your posts for quite a while. i had to read a lot of your entries to update myself (and if my boss knew about how long i spent reading your blog, he wont be very pleased...hehehhe:P).

    anyway...good luck to you. fight. but not for him. fight for your dignity, respect. i know it's easier said than done, but walk away. for your daughter. no matter how you keep a straight face and keep a civil (or whatever you want to call it) relationship with your husband, she senses the tension, the hurt and all that. kids are gifted like that.

    i want to give you a hug or at least look you in the eye and tell you how brave and strong you are.

    have you read the zahir by paulo coelho?

    you should :)

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  10. shelly,,, i'm randomly reading your post and got me to this "category". It's really breaking my heart. I really like to give you a hug right now. I'm praying for your happiness. Be strong for your child.

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  11. @mich for some strange reason, naluha ako when i read your comment. and then, mas lalo ako naluha kasi reading this post again, and comparing it to what's happening now....

    thank you thank you :)

    weird lang, nakita mo na kasi siya before you read this hehehe.

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