And now what?

It was like giving feedback -- but the other person won't accept your evaluation.

It was frustrating.

And that's an understatement.

He tried to defend himself.

  • Going out with me has to have a purpose - either to eat out, watch a movie or buy something. Going out with his officemates is for gimik or inuman. Now tell me what's wrong with that? Well, I thought the purpose of going out with me was to be with me. And isn't a gimik or inuman just an excuse to be with your friends?
  • And if you're thinking why not we go out on a gimik or inuman, boring daw yun na dalawa lang kami. He doesn't want to bring me with his friends because I don't like them daw. I just don't like meeting his friends because they know he lies to me. It's embarrassing and degrading kaya for me.
  • They're just friends, even if the whole office thinks she's his girl. Yeah right. With the *mwah*, "boyfriend" code name, and "malulungkot ako na mawawala ka" conversation, who's going to believe him?
  • The girl asked him daw kasi to download the Jordin Sparks album. And that was after this girl fought with me over text ha. Who looked like a fool then?
  • He stopped telling me everything after Celine (the college affair) because he saw what effect it had on me. Ah okay, hindi ba yung skirt-chasing ways niya ang dapat iwasan, hindi yung pagsabi ng totoo sakin?


So, really, he didn't make any sense at all.

Because he avoided saying something that was so obvious already.

He kept saying that he wanted to be with us, he wanted to be with Darice.

But he didn't say specifically that he wanted to be with me.

And he also didn't promise that he'd change his ways.

Wouldn't it be unfair that he has us, but he gets to live the life of a single man?

Ano siya, sinusuwerte?!?

That was why I was so frustrated... because it was so obvious already that he was enjoying his life without us.

Instead of repenting, and showing me he has changed his ways, he lived it up with his single friends [Take note that he is the only married person in their group. Figures]. Instead of putting effort in apologizing, he gave up after a week or so of trying to win me back. Instead of asking us to come back to his room, he was content with the current situation, saying "puede naman kayo bumalik kahit kelan ah". Instead of saying that he misses me by his side, he tells the girl leaving for Singapore that "malulungkot ako pag nawala ka". [Kasalanan ko na rin siguro yon, because I always go to his room for sex. Tawag lang ng laman, tao lang]

And then he'll say "Gusto ko dito lang kayo ni Darice".

So asan siya habang nandito kami? Makakasama ba namin siya? Kami ba ang gugustuhin niyang makasama?

Ang pinaka-nakakafrustrate pa diyan eh ang isasagot sa'yo eh "Oo na, oo na". At magrereklamo na "andami mo namang hinihingi".

Wow.

Basic stuff that a husband and a father would normally do, nahihirapan na siya?

So gusto ba talaga niya maging tatay or asawa, o mamuhay na lang na sarili lang ang iisipin niya?

The worst thing about the Friday night conversation and Saturday morning recap was we didn't come up with a solution.

So as of now, everything is still uncertain.

And I am so ready to kick myself in the ass na for still being uncertain.

As I told a friend of mine, and D later on that night, I want him to be happy. I love D so much that I don't want to spare him the happiness that Darice and I have in store for him. Because yes he may be happy with his friends right now and enjoying their company, but he's only going to be truly and meaningfully happy with us, his wife and his daughter.

But he has to want that happiness with us, and put effort to maintain that happiness.

And I think, as long as I don't hear him say that he doesn't want us, that he doesn't want "our" brand of happiness, I will still try.

I will still try to make him decide for himself.

Unfortunately.

---

[Ang gulo ba? Magulo kasi talaga utak ko ngayon eh. As in. One minute I'm thinking I want our family to be intact, one minute I can't stand his guts. Pasensya na sa mga nagtiyagang nagbasa. Meron pala itong part II, dahil may slight developments regarding the homefront. Abangan na lang.]

21 comments

  1. Naka subscribe ako sa bloglines and snippets lang ang lumalabas. When I saw this one: "Going out with me has to have a purpose" <-- WTF!?

    Ayokong mang gatong, ayokong mang gatong :D

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  2. yeah, he was digging a bigger hole with his defensive comments.

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  3. Anonymous10:14 AM

    ako isa lng when a man said that isa lng gusto nla... they want freedom...single life..and have fun..di nla iniisip ung life time happiness gusto nla ung sandali kaligayahan lng..poor them..

    ako...what i did i let him go..

    kc nmn sa office nla ung girl ang kilalang karelasyon at di ako...


    i deserved to be happy.. cguro iiyak ako ng ilang taon kesa magsuffer ako ng buong buhay ko na sinasaktan nya ako sa mga ginagawa nya...nakakapagod un..

    be strong girl..

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  4. anonymous (why you gotta be anonymous? :P), regarding being strong -- mahirap magchoose, do i stay strong so i can leave him, or do i stay strong so i can live with him? isa yan sa mga pinagninilayan ko ngayon...

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  5. Hay Shelley, sumasakit puso ko while reading your entries. You are such a martyr to have made tiis all that. I know you love him deeply, and when there is a kid involved, everything gets so complicated, that your being is compromised. I know you are strong but I also know how much humiliating and damaging this is to your self-esteem and self-respect.

    Dar looks like a married man I know. He is quite a friend (also a call center agent) and he became quite close to me after he had an affair with a friend. I told him to choose and he said na he will always choose his wife. He loves his wife daw, but he loves the girl as well. I said he cant love two people at the same time, and he said, "That's just the way I am really."

    Diba ang pathetic? I dont know kung innate ba yan or nasa genes or psychological, but haaaaay, it's so....how do you say it, nakakawala ng respeto. How can you respect a man like that?

    Is he being a Dad to Darice - a thing you are considering kaya you cant leave yet? I dont know. You are still young. You still have a life ahead of you.

    Pack up and leave, and let Darwin learn his lesson in his own pace. Its up to you if you decide to wait, but I really wish you the best.

    Dont worry about Darice, she is in good hands, she is with you.

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  6. eto na lang: *hug*

    sana maayos na yan at mapagisipan mo ng maayos ang lahat. isipin mo na lang na andyan si darice para sa iyo.

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  7. Anonymous12:38 PM

    >>>Because yes he may be happy with his friends right now and enjoying their company, but he's only going to be truly and meaningfully happy with us, his wife and his daughter. <<< Who made the decision that he's going to be truly and meaningfully happy with you? doesn't that statement let you think that his indecision maybe the decision he made already, but maybe it's way too painful to accept without the actual words? harsh truths... cold and logical. but not heartfelt... i understand your status.

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  8. Anonymous2:50 PM

    hi.. came across your story.. just want to say i'm sorry.. been there.. and it's really hard..i'm actually in the same situation as you are -- really --- thing is.. i'm the 'other woman' =(

    anyhoo, i think (i think ha!) -- and i'm sorry to be blunt --- that your husband doesn't love you anymore.. he's scared that you will not let him see your daughter na... kasi parents will always love their children.. but not their spouse..

    well.. i hope you'll get through this.. good luck and God bless

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  9. aggie, waah, hindi naman ako martyr. well, para sakin kasi ang martyr parang wala talagang ginagawa to stop the situation. ako naman, i tell him what's bothering me or pissing me off.

    as to being a dad to darice, well he's a better father than a husband i guess. major lang talaga yung new year issue.

    haze, salamat din :) sa totoo lang ayoko na magisip! naiirita ako sa sarili ko na hindi ako makapagdecide.

    12:38pm anonymous, with regards to this statement: "Who made the decision that he's going to be truly and meaningfully happy with you?" -- both of us, i guess, when we got married?

    we're both undecided. it will be ridiculous to "decide" based on our indecisions.

    2:50pm anonymous, no, i'm sorry, we're not in the same situation. i'm the wife, you're the other woman. i'm supposed to be the only one, you're the other one. pano naging pareho yon?

    and ayoko rin na hindi na sila magkita ng anak ko. i will never take that away from him, he knows that.

    ---

    sa mga mag-cocomment, sana naman huwag kayo magpaka-anonymous. alam nyo pangalan ko, pero kayo wala man lang mailagay na pangalan. puede namang code name lang diba and hindi naman kelangan maglagay ng URL.

    please? :D thank you!

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  10. stratcolumn2:56 PM

    hay...
    been there..done that..
    and up to now di ko maintindihan kung bakit may other woman na malakas pa ang loob mang away eh nasa kanila na nga...

    sorry ha, pero kung kaibigan mo ko... inaway ko na ung asawa mo..
    galit ako sa mg ganyan lalaki...
    di marunong magpahalaga sa mga taong tunay na nagmamahal sa kanila...

    basta girl magdecision ka ng tama at alam mong di mawawala ang buong pagkatao mo...

    goodluck..godbless...

    big hug!

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  11. basagulera2:31 PM

    paumanhin, kung masasaktan ka sa sasabihin ko.

    kasalanan mo 'to. ganoon lang kasimple. kasi hinahayaan mo siya na tratuhin ka ng ganyan. kung hindi mo matanggap na ganoon ang gusto niyang gawin sa buhay niya, kung hindi mo gusto ang sitwasyon mo, bumitaw ka na. kung hindi naman, dapat tanggapin mo na lang na hanggang ganyan lang ang kaya niyang ibigay sa inyo. maaaring magbago, maaaring mas grabe pa ang dumating.

    pero mas madaling sabihin kaysa gawin. alam ko dahil nanggaling din ako sa ganitong sitwasyon.

    likas yata sa ating mga pinay na maging romantiko. siguro dahil na rin sa kultura natin, sa mga pelikula't palabas sa telebisyon kung saan ang depinisyon ng pag-ibig ay walang hangganan. na kahit nasasaktan na ng lubusan ay hindi pa rin kayang bumitaw. nagagawa mo 'to dahil mahal mo siya. pero dapat, mahalin mo rin ang sarili mo.

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  12. stratcolumn

    di marunong magpahalaga sa mga taong tunay na nagmamahal sa kanila...

    kaya nga sana gusto ko syang turuan eh... kahit man lang sana para sa anak nya.

    basagulera

    kasalanan mo 'to. ganoon lang kasimple. kasi hinahayaan mo siya na tratuhin ka ng ganyan.

    it's not that simple, i'm sorry to say.

    and if you think, just because of what you've read here in my blog, that i haven't done anything to stop him treating me that way, then i think you haven't read enough of my blog, or you just don't know me.

    also, for someone who hasn't done anything, i sure am making a lot of noise eh? but i'm not like that. i'm frustrated because i gave all my effort already yet he goes back to being a jerk.

    kung hindi mo matanggap na ganoon ang gusto niyang gawin sa buhay niya, kung hindi mo gusto ang sitwasyon mo, bumitaw ka na. kung hindi naman, dapat tanggapin mo na lang na hanggang ganyan lang ang kaya niyang ibigay sa inyo.

    madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. inaasahan ko pa rin ang pagco-compromise. dahil hindi lang naman tungkol saming dalawa, kundi para rin sa anak namin.

    and naglalaro rin sa isip ko na nagcommit ako nung nagpakasal ako eh. hindi lang basta-basta mang-iiwan o kaya mag-papakamartyr diba? o baka nga idealistic lang ako. tsk.

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  13. Hala ang daming anonymous, LOL.
    Well, being a married woman myself, I certainly can understand why you stay. Getting married really is a lifelong commitment - for better or worse ika nga.

    I certainly wish the best for you guys.
    And I will pray :)

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  14. nasa singapore ba kami yung babae? sabihin mo sakin kung nasan, marami akong he he he kaibigan dun nga mga bouncer dito dati ... ako bahala jan ... as for you dear, from someone who took 18 years to decide when to leave, LEAVE. Pack your bags, take your little one and leave.

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  15. hi! pers taym ko dito.. hehehe.. grabe, mahal mo talaga siya lalo na yung anak ninyo.. sakit talaga sa ulo ang mga lalaki!

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  16. basagulera4:10 PM

    you're right...i don't know you...

    i'm not making light of what you feel. but reading your posts, about his other girl/s, sabay inaway ka pa nung other girl ( i really don't know how they can even look themselves in the mirror after doing that)...i keep going to your blog, hoping to read about you making a decision, hoping that you put your foot down and yell "i ain't taking this shit no more"

    i keep rooting for you...you're pretty, you're smart...you deserve so much more...but this is your life and not some soap opera/novel...i apologize...

    i hope everything works out for you...

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  17. aggie,

    Getting married really is a lifelong commitment - for better or worse ika nga.

    yep, and sobrang sineseryoso ko yung commitment na yon. sana lang seryosohin din ni D consistently. yun kasi ang prob eh, hindi sya consistent... tsk.

    bambit

    yep nasa singapore nga yung babae. pati na rin yung ibang mga kabarkada ni D sa office andun na. if ever makapunta na si D sa singapore, dun ko hihiramin yung mga ex-bouncer mong mga friends, hehehe.

    as to leaving, waah i don't want to take 18 years naman to decide... :(

    linglingbells

    welcome to my blog! :D

    oo siya talaga ang isa sa mga factors sa aking pagdedesisyon. hindi puedeng hindi sya i-factor in eh...

    basagulera

    hoping to read about you making a decision, hoping that you put your foot down and yell "i ain't taking this shit no more"

    the fact that i'm still with him (after an issue) meant that we've made compromises or agreements that i hoped we would be able to follow thru. and of course there are the threats, and consequences if certain things are not followed. that was putting my foot down.

    salamat sapagkat napaisip talaga ako dun sa nauna mong comment. food for thought that i chewed on for days. hehe.

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  18. pinagdadasal ko na lang na sana matauhan siya, madapa, mauntog o kung ano man para lang ma-realize niya na nasa kanya na lahat ng magagandang bagay sa buhay niya at hindi na niya kailangan pa maghanap sa iba.

    marami nang nasabi ang mga tao, pero lahat pa rin nakasalalay sa iyo. kaya mo naman yan di ba? andyan ang mga kaibigan mo at mga cyber friends mo tulad namin. =)

    sana sa susunod mong entry eh, maganda na ang balita mo.

    *hugs*

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  19. salamat haze :)

    grabe, more than two weeks na pala akong hindi naga-update ng blog! =O

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  20. Anonymous3:06 PM

    shel, found a poem that i hope would help you in your indecision. source of strength lang. its not really 100% applicable in your situation pero just to give you more perspective and to give you praise and value as a woman in a fierce emotional battle.hope we all get through this.

    next time na magkita tayo, lets share more happy stories. hehe

    ay eto pala yung poem: http://joibarrios.blogspot.com/2007/01/
    ang-pagiging-babae-ay-pamumuhay-sa.html

    keri!

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  21. mare *huuuuuuuuuuuugs* salamat salamat.

    oo nga sana after 48 years (:P), eh masaya na ang mga kuwento ko. afraid, wag naman literal na 48 years sana noh?!

    mwah mwah! mishu na! ingat ka ha! :D

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