A Love Letter

I hate you for taking this long to finally realize what you need to do. I hate your lies and your pretensions, for toying with my emotions and playing tricks with my mind. I hate you for not being man enough to take control of your life and your family. I hate that you've let your dependence and attachment to people you've known only for a little while ruin our more than 10-year relationship. I hate your immaturity, your cowardliness and your insecurities.

I am hurt that the last ten years seem to mean nothing to you. I feel unspecial, used, taken for granted. I am hurt that my love isn't enough, that my love and your daughter's love aren't enough. I have made you so unhappy, we've made each other so unhappy. I am devastated that our love, our marriage, has come to this. I am heartbroken knowing that I've lost my husband. I've been missing you for the longest time, and I will miss you now more than ever.

I am scared of the next few days, weeks and months. I am scared of the coming nights, crying myself to sleep, missing your body next to mine while I go to sleep. Sleeping next to you has been my only comfort for almost eight years. I am scared of the days when I won't be able to stop thinking about you, and I won't be able to function. You have been my life, and I never expected that you will not be in it anymore. I am scared I will show weakness and come running back to you and humiliate myself. I fear I might not be able to take care of our daughter by myself. I'm scared of her questions, and I'm scared my answers will not satisfy her. I'm scared of the changes we have to go through, of how this will affect her. I am scared of being alone, when all I've ever known is to be with you.

I am so sorry for everything I have ever said and done to get a reaction out of you. I'm sorry for threatening to leave so many times and not going through with it. I'm sorry for unconsciously using our daughter as leverage. I am sorry for the unconscious demand and pressure to love me the way I love you. I am so sorry if your love isn't enough. I am so sorry for not trusting you, and for your need to lie to me. I am so sorry for making you unhappy, when all I've ever wanted was to make you happy.

Thank you for noticing how the past few years have been affecting me, and finally acknowledging our unhappiness together. Thank you for finally initiating this course of action, for finally deciding with me that it needs to be done, even though it took you so damn long.

Thank you for the past 10 years, 4 months and 25 days. Thank you for falling in love with me and loving me. Thank you for your best efforts in trying to love me even though you've fallen out of love. Thank you for taking care of me and our daughter in your own special way.

I have no idea how to stop loving you, to get over you, and to let you go. This will be harder for me, as you've had half your body out the door already, while I'm still trying to figure out how to open the door.

I love you so much, Dar. I have always loved you. I have always been in love with you, pining for you, missing you, wanting to be with you, do things with you, spend time with you. I have always imagined growing old with you, my husband, the love of my life. I want you in my life, and I need you in my life. That's why I have always chosen you.

And I thank you for showing me that I have to choose myself now, just as you've chosen yourself.

We both deserve to be happy. I guess, not just together.

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We have decided to separate [operative word: we! yay :D] although logistical details are not yet final. So as of this writing, we are still under one roof, therefore, status quo pa rin.

I am fervently praying and hoping that by the 31st, we already have a concrete plan of attack. Para slightly mas masaya ang birthday ko :)

It is one hell of a way to start out the year, I know. But don't worry, as much as I'm heartbroken to the nth degree right now, I am sooo relieved. Finally :)

7 comments

  1. Im praying for your happiness Shelley. I hope you find it.
    Happy New Year.

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  2. silent reader10:11 AM

    i'm a reader of your blog and i haven't comment on anything before.. but i would only want to send my prayers and good wishes to you.
    when i read this entry, i kinda identified myself in it... on how hard and relieving it is for your position now.. and at the same time the fear of the unexpected

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  3. big hugs shelley! kaya mo yan :)
    tama ka, love yourself.

    ang iyong plurk buddy,
    ibyang :)

    p.s. your love letter made my heart tender.

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  4. good luck. be brave and stay strong. you can do it!

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  5. Kaya mo yan, honey, you are such a strong girl.

    When I read this post parang nakita ko ulit ang sarili ko eight years ago. The feeling of uncertainty of what was to become of me was overwhelmed by the feeling of finally being free, although free to do what remained something to be seen.

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  6. Anonymous11:47 PM

    When I read your letter, I cried. Be strong. You will be ok. Slowly but surely. With God's help, you will be ok. Cheers for your independence!

    ReplyDelete