Down in the Dumps

Really sad post. Continue if you dare.

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Four nights of controlling my tears at night (to save me from explaining my Chinese eyes come early morning at the office) has me crying uncontrollably this Friday night.

How do you boost somebody's ego when you think he's the scum of the earth because of what he did?

How do you assure yourself somebody's telling you the truth when his/her actions are telling you the opposite thing?

When am I selfish? When can I compromise? When will I sacrifice?

Do I believe and turn a blind eye on what happened, convincing myself that this will never happen again? Will things change?

Or do I bitch everyday and bring up all my grievances, convincing that somebody that they've never made an effort, that I feel unwanted and taken for granted, that I feel there is no need for me anymore? Will things change, then?

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Nothing I do gives me comfort. I have smoked up a storm, I griped during breaks, I have picked fights over YM. And what do I get? The overwhelming need to do it all over again.

Words are said for reassurances, arms put around me to give a feeling of security -- these may have been enough before, but they feel fake and contrived tonight.

They say time heals all wounds -- that's bullshit, as a character in a book by C. Pike said. It doesn't heal wounds, it makes them rot.

It's getting harder each time to pick the pieces up, shake off the bad energy and vibes, and come out into the world being the strong woman they perceive you to be.

Right now, I'm still falling, and falling painfully slow, into the dark depths of paranoia and loneliness.

4 comments

  1. Some things in life are bad
    They can really make you mad
    Other things just make you swear and curse.
    When you're chewing on life's gristle
    Don't grumble, give a whistle
    And this'll help things turn out for the best...

    And...always look on the bright side of life...
    Always look on the light side of life...

    If life seems jolly rotten
    There's something you've forgotten
    And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
    When you're feeling in the dumps
    Don't be silly chumps
    Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

    And...always look on the bright side of life...
    Always look on the light side of life...

    For life is quite absurd
    And death's the final word
    You must always face the curtain with a bow.
    Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
    Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

    So always look on the bright side of death
    Just before you draw your terminal breath

    Life's a piece of shit
    When you look at it
    Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
    You'll see it's all a show
    Keep 'em laughing as you go
    Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

    And always look on the bright side of life...
    Always look on the right side of life...
    (Come on guys, cheer up!)
    Always look on the bright side of life...
    Always look on the bright side of life...
    (Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
    Always look on the bright side of life...
    (I mean - what have you got to lose?)
    (You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
    What have you lost? Nothing!)
    Always look on the right side of life...

    :)

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  2. waaaaaaaaaaaah. touched ako ha. salamat :D

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  3. drei, thanks... hope we could talk soon...

    ReplyDelete