Down in the Dumps

Really sad post. Continue if you dare.

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Four nights of controlling my tears at night (to save me from explaining my Chinese eyes come early morning at the office) has me crying uncontrollably this Friday night.

How do you boost somebody's ego when you think he's the scum of the earth because of what he did?

How do you assure yourself somebody's telling you the truth when his/her actions are telling you the opposite thing?

When am I selfish? When can I compromise? When will I sacrifice?

Do I believe and turn a blind eye on what happened, convincing myself that this will never happen again? Will things change?

Or do I bitch everyday and bring up all my grievances, convincing that somebody that they've never made an effort, that I feel unwanted and taken for granted, that I feel there is no need for me anymore? Will things change, then?

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Nothing I do gives me comfort. I have smoked up a storm, I griped during breaks, I have picked fights over YM. And what do I get? The overwhelming need to do it all over again.

Words are said for reassurances, arms put around me to give a feeling of security -- these may have been enough before, but they feel fake and contrived tonight.

They say time heals all wounds -- that's bullshit, as a character in a book by C. Pike said. It doesn't heal wounds, it makes them rot.

It's getting harder each time to pick the pieces up, shake off the bad energy and vibes, and come out into the world being the strong woman they perceive you to be.

Right now, I'm still falling, and falling painfully slow, into the dark depths of paranoia and loneliness.